Hi, I'm Nicole.

Alright, I’m trying this again. A couple weeks ago I made some “goals” and we all know I didn’t exactly follow them… or even attempt to get “back on track” for awhile. I kept making excuses for myself and that’s gonna stop- RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. I’ve done way to much crying and have had way to much self pity on myself. Sadly, there’s some of us that learn from disaster- and baby, I’ve hit rock bottom. If I were selfish, I would honestly end my life, right here-right now, but I’m not. I couldn’t do that to my family. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their kids, and I’m not going to put my parents through that because of all they have done for me. That wouldn’t be fair to them at all. I’m sure they’re not wanting to do that anytime soon. I need to start accepting the fact that I am who I am, even though I’m still not quite sure who that is yet. More so, I need to accept myself for who I am physically before moving on to anything else. My body isn’t the skinniest, it’s not the biggest, but it could definitely use some work. That’s when my proposition steps in:

1. I will not call myself ugly and/or fat.
2. I will put all sweets aside, along with soda.
3. I will put effort into watching my weight, like I used to.
4. I will go to the gym, whether or not I can find someone to go with.
5. I will try my best to eat the healthiest I can at the BRC.

I don’t know about anyone else, but if I feel good about how I’m eating and looking, emotionally I’ll start feeling better. Working out and eating healthy boosts your self esteem right? I guess for some or most of us that is. I want to take this proposition seriously, so in order to do that I need to achieve one list and then work on the next. For example: Once I start working on myself physically, I can start working on myself mentally- since I’ll have that physical support there to fall back on. So once I feel like I’ve achieved my first five goals, or at least am doing my best, I’ll start working on myself mentally.

1. I will not put myself or anyone else down.
2. I will try MY BEST to not take everything people say about me seriously.
3. I will stay focused on my studies and my physical goals.
4. I will not let anyone take advantage of me.
5. I will not let anything or anyone distract me from what I need to do.

I was talking, (while texting kind of?), to a sweet boy that lives on my floor today. (You know who you are.) He was talking to me about why I had “lost interest” in a guy on our floor. I simply told him that I just wanted to sleep with him and that he wouldn’t make a move, so then I just gave up and went about my business. Then he started talking to me about how sex is much better with someone you care about. I know he is right, because I have actually cared for some of the guys I have slept with. Unfortunately, no guy that I feel that way towards ever feels the same way towards me. (Of course unless they think I may be pregnant, then they care for me until that episode is through. Then they move on with their lives and ignore me.) Oh well though, this is the beginning of a new chapter that has already started, and I’m leaving those guys in the dust. I’m gonna to start this over for my own good. I need to make myself some boundaries.

1. I will not sleep with random guys.
2. I will not be easy.
3. I will not give in to anyone who I am not interested in.
4. I will not give it up to someone that doesn’t have any concern for me.
5. I will not sleep with someone I do not like or who I am not dating.

I seriously need to have more respect for myself… and gosh I have a lot of work ahead of me.